#43 - You didn't choose your beliefs, but you can change them
Interviews for my new book, Beliefocracy, show you how.
Your beliefs aren’t really yours.
They were handed to you before you had the language to question them. They are sustained every day by the people around you. And they will resist changing until the conditions that created them change too.
This is what seven conversations for my forthcoming book, Beliefocracy: How our beliefs govern us, have confirmed — and it has implications for every leader who has ever wondered why lasting change is so hard, even when you genuinely want it.
Five themes have emerged across all seven interviews so far. What they reveal is the mechanism by which beliefs form, evolve and are sustained — and why changing them is in some ways harder, in other ways easier, and regardless more interesting, than most people think. At the end, I’ve included a selection of coaching questions to help you evaluate your own beliefs through each of these themes.
1. Beliefs are inherited before they're examined
In nearly every single interview it was clear that interviewees’ beliefs formed early on in life, from a parent's opinion on what their child was capable of, to a teacher's forecast of their potential. These beliefs weren’t always verbalised. They could be transmitted by the child simply observing their parent’s behaviour, such as working long hours.
And some beliefs had been passed down through generations. Parents received their beliefs from their parents. What I found interesting was how in some cases the child (interviewee) went on to have success, and that challenged the parent’s belief system. It became a full circle moment of influencing each other’s beliefs.
It can be uncomfortable to admit that you no longer share a belief with a parent. The fear is the relationship will be negatively impacted, and so the child has to hold the cognitive dissonance of publicly agreeing whilst privately disagreeing. The interviews showed it is possible to resolve this tension, and not damage the bond between you. In fact, being truthful about difference can lead to greater understanding and closeness.
2. Belonging as a belief sustainer
Who you surround yourself with has an enormous influence on what you believe. One interviewee had been in the Royal Air Force for 22 years. When he left it wasn’t just a change of job. It was a huge loss of the people he had grown up with from early adulthood, who had been on tours in Afghanistan and Iraq together, who had trusted and validated each other through every hardship.
In the RAF, they had shared beliefs around who they were and what was possible. Every day they were living and working together reinforced those beliefs. He spoke about leaving the military as “losing [his] tribe”.
I see this often with clients who are facing redundancy. It’s not just losing the job and stable source of income (although that is a big part of it). It’s also losing the people you work with. A sense that you may never work with your colleagues again, in quite the same way — even if you are staying on, others will be leaving. The survivor guilt is in part also a grieving process for a sense of belonging that no longer exists.
If you’re trying to change your beliefs, then changing who you surround yourself with is vital. Find a new tribe who shares those beliefs and the change will come a lot easier.
3. Imposter feelings as growth signals
Imposter feelings thrive in the space between your comfort zone and stepping into a bigger arena. This means that none of us pushing for our growth are immune to them — in fact, their appearance is quite likely. And that’s ok.
One interviewee described how all it took for the imposter feelings to appear was a simple mistake. As a teacher with decades of experience, living in Kosovo and starting a school for local marginalised communities, she was putting the alphabet up on the wall. She mixed up two of the letters, and the imposter feelings hit in an instant. Who was she to be teaching these kids when she couldn’t even arrange the letters in the right order?
But what if these feelings weren’t a sign that you are incompetent, but that you’re doing something that really matters? Where the stakes are high so it’s important to meet those high standards you’ve set yourself? In this case, starting that school meant that kids could catch up on what they had missed by being out of education, so they could rejoin mainstream schools and get their qualifications. There were futures at stake. So what if you treat imposter feelings not as a signal to stop, but as a signal to keep going?
4. A strong belief can carry you through a weaker one
In one interview we spoke at length about having a purpose in life, a mission that is greater than just you. In fact, my friend Carrie calls this a ‘cathedral project’ because it probably won’t be completed within your lifetime.
Purpose came up in several interviews, and one interviewee referred to it as “going West — you’re just continuously going West, you never reach it, you’re continuously striving.” What was interesting was how having a purpose often overrode any weaker beliefs. When you believe your purpose is to help people or make the world a better place, the belief that you’re not good enough isn’t entertained. That doesn’t mean it disappears completely — it doesn’t. It just doesn’t hold you back from the things that matter, that will help you move towards your purpose.
5. Sliding doors moments reveal what you really believe
Sometimes life throws curveballs at you. One interviewee had just started a career as a professional ballerina when a major injury cut short his dream. Part of figuring out what he was going to do next involved enrolling in university, and it was there, purely by chance that he found a path forwards. Insurance.
When that option was presented to him, he could have said no. Insurance was so different from everything he had done before. But a series of coincidences and events converged to give him clarity. “I didn’t know what I wanted to do and it seemed interesting.” He’s now an insurance exec at a leading global specialty insurer.
Another interviewee spoke of how a long standing belief changed in just one moment. He had grown up with a strong work ethic: “If I work hard, then I get pay back.” That meant being employed so there was stability and regular income. He had worked hard, too hard, to the point where he had burned out. Whilst on medical leave, his company went through a restructure which led to him being offered redundancy. That news brought with it new possibility, something he had never considered before — he could start his own business.
It takes just one moment to change the trajectory of your life — but what you believe will determine whether you seize the opportunity or let it pass you by.
Your coaching questions
The questions below aim to help you map out your beliefs — the first part of the belief change cycle within Belief OS™. You will need 20 minutes when you will not be disturbed to work through them. You may like to write them down.
What beliefs did your parents and teachers pass down to you about yourself?
What was true about the world for your parents and teachers that meant those beliefs were true for them?
What beliefs do you share with your tribe? (think: family, friends, colleagues, community members).
Think back to when you felt like an imposter. What was happening?
What are you willing to be uncomfortable for?
What sliding doors moments in your life have revealed or challenged one of your beliefs?
Once you have answered all six questions, take a step back and look at them all together. What do they reveal about your own beliefs that you didn’t notice before?
Beliefocracy: How our beliefs govern us introduces Belief OS™ — a new framework for leaders navigating change who want to understand why lasting change is so difficult to achieve, and what it actually takes for new thinking to stick. Join the wait list to be the first to hear about publication and pre-order availability.